even i don't look as ridiculous as you....

Yesterday I was at the gym, minding my own business, when this Tooly McToolerson gets on the treadmill next to mine and, after he is up to jogging speed, begins talking on his cell phone....on speaker phone.

Really? Are you that busy and important at 430pm that you can't even take a half hour for yourself? (Judging by his young, unprofessional face and "yeah, man, that's awesome" every other sentence, I'm guessing he's not busy or important).

So here's my question: Who the Fuck are you talking to!!?!??!!!? Seriously? I can't think of a single person I'd want to talk to while I'm running, panting, grunting or cussing (the Four Stages of "Me at the Gym"). And naturally, I thought he'd hang up but he didn't. After several minutes I became very interested in this guy, waiting for him to a) drop his phone and watch it smash into a thousand pieces; b) get tripped up and fall off the treadmill; or c) both.

Common courtesy aside, you look like a complete dbag. Does it motivate you? Is there no other time you can talk to your friends? Are you that attached to your cell phone you're not sure how to behave if you're not talking/texting every second of the day?

Another time, I saw this girl laying on a mat, talking on her phone, not even pretending to work out or stretch. WTF? Were your roommate and her boyfriend making out on the couch at home so you had to come to the gym to sit on your ass and gab? Does it make you feel accomplished - "well at least I went to the gym today..."

Like I really needed another reason to loathe the gym. (The only reason I've gone every day this week is to watch curling and women's hockey because I don't have cable. USA!)

Next time, I just may say something. Something like, "Hey, douchebag! Hang the fuck up before you fall down and hurt yourself."

maybe it's bob costas...

This week everyone (well everyone I see on a dailey basis ;) is (lady) gaga over the Olympics, and I'm no exception. It's probably the first time I regret not getting MSNBC (but only a tiny bit).

Why do we love the Olympics? Patriotism? Competition? Men in overly-bedazzled spandex?

I've been thinking about it all day and I'm not really sure why I love the Olympics. I thought at first it was because the athletes are just your average shmo people like you or I who happen to excel in a particular sport. But it's not entirely true. Many, if not all, of these athletes have been training since they could walk. They've gone to elite academies. They've been mentored by former Olympians. They were discovered, or discovered their dream, and their parent sacrificed everything to help their children follow said dreams. I also enjoy hearing their stories - getting teary eyed over hearing some random athlete's life story.

I do like that they are not billionaire superstars (except the men's hockey team...don't get me started....grumble grumble). They work so hard and literally sacrifice everything for that one or two shots at a gold medal. That level of dedication and passion is certainly to be admired.

I also like the continual display of global solidarity. I watch athletes of all sports hug their competitors at various finish lines. I love watching them hug each other as if to say, "we made it friend, we're moving on to the next round" or "you kicked my ass, but I'm proud to take 2nd place after you."

I'm still not sure what exactly it is that compels me to watch at least a little bit everyday. I suppose it's simple enough: I like being inspired. And I like thinking about what the world would be like if we all lived our lives like Olympians do every single day.

Yeah, I know, cheesy as ever, but that's just me. And I like me just the way I am. (cue Billy Joel)

all you need is a lengthy explanation

I don't watch a significant amount of television but what I do watch (House, the Office, football) all have a common denominator: Blackberry commercials.

Now, all of the subjects of said commercials are trying to achieve something whether it's forming a successful musical group or traveling back in time and learning how to break dance in preparation for that big Fresh Prince audition. The song in the ad, "All You Need is Love" and the tagline "Do what you love" are always the same. If only it were that simple Blackberry.

So, if it's true that "all" I "need" is, in fact, "love" then wtf do I need a crackberry for? Will it love me? Will love pay for that data plan? And how will the crackberry help me do what I "love?" By making phone calls? Sending texts? Googling things? Isn't this the same drab existence I have achieved with my shitty little flip phone that doesn't cost an arm and a leg?

And then, you want me to "do what I love" and yet provide me with exactly zero reasons why it is crackberry, and only crackberry that will help me reach this goal. Actually, what I would love is for you to stop defiling a perfectly classic Beatles song. And that "band" covering the song should be brought to a nice farm in the country, where it can live out the rest of it's days annoying only the crows and cornfields. It's like the marketing people at Blackberry were sitting around saying, "Sooooooo, what can beat the iphone? Umm, the Beatles?" Good one, team.

So I will keep doing what I love and loving what I do any only needing love. Keep trying Blackberry. Unless what you love is looking completely asinine.

st. phonytine's day

This time of year there are really only two bandwagons one can jump on. a) I *heart* Valentine's Day! Buy my pretty things and candy! Nom nom nom! or b) I hate this big, dumb, made-up holiday and everything it stands for.

I'll give you three guesses as to which bandwagon on which I am a frequent flier.

And, per usual, after standing tall and proud on my status-soapbox, spewing about why I'm so cool for hating the big V day, someone writes "aren't all holidays made up?"

What is this week? Call me out on everything I say/do/believe week? Could someone please let me know in advance next time?

Hello, humble pie. Nice to see you again. You're looking quite well. Me? Oh, I'm okay....you know how it goes, you win some, you lose some. Yes, I realize I'm talking to a pie.

It's true that really, all holidays are made up. Somewhere along the line, some Joe Christian said, you know what, Jesus was born on ohhhhhhh let's say December 25th. What? That's a major Pagan holiday? Hmm, what a coincidence. Let's move on.

Now one could get into a deeply existential argument about the reality of anything. (You mean I may not actually be eating a pie? sob) But I won't do that because I don't know what the F I'd be talking about. It's not that all holidays are made up that bothers me. What bothers me is this particular holiday. Ok, if the Christians find it significant to celebrate Jesus' bday, then go ahead, assign it to a random day of the year. If environmentalists want everyone to plant a tree on Arbor Day because we're burning through trees like Elizabeth Taylor through husbands then, fine, April 27 it is. I completely understand assigning random dates to things that need to be remembered/celebrated/honored/etc. MLK Day, Presidents Day, Memorial Day, bring 'em on!

What I cannot get behind is a holiday in which you buy a bunch of fattening/wilting/ugly/useless crap to tell your other how much you looooooooooooooooooooooooooove them. Give me a fucking break. Presumably, if this person has continued to date/be married to you for this long don't you think they actually do love you, like every day? And vice versa? Don't you say "i love you" a hundred times a day to said person already? What's with all the pink-hearted crap? And if you're a bitter singleton, you don't need this phony mcphoneyson holiday anyways. You've got family and friends that love you every day too. I just don't get it. Why pick a special day to show significance to something that should have significance all the time? (And why show it in such a materialistic way?)

Ok, all that being said, I'd like to make a declaration of true love. I love you, soapbox. You keep everything so very sudsy.

Go, spread love. And eat chocolates since they're there anyways.

i can call you betty

So this afternoon, as I was sitting in the tub feeling sorry for myself and the world, I heard this come from my computer:

"I said, hey, you know, breakdowns come and breakdowns go. So, what are you going to do about it, that's what I'd like to know."

(eyebrows raise) Did I just get called out by Paul Simon?

After several minutes of wondering WWPSD (how would one affix diamonds to the soles of their shoes?) I snapped back to reality.

It's not really about what Paul Simon would do (must resist Simon Sez joke...), he wants to know what I'm going to do about it. So I rub-a-dub'd my blues away, got myself a latte and went and sat down by the Big Lake. I listened to the ice snap, crackle and pop as the water underneath heaved and hoed (ho'd?). And it felt good.

The moral of the story is that breakdowns will certainly come and go, but it's what we do about it that really matters. After all, Paul Simon wants what's best for us, so shouldn't we want what's best for us too?

sunshine and lovebeams

It has become apparent that I suck at blogging every single day as I had once intentioned. So I sat down, knowing it had been way too many days and logged in.

And nothing came.

............

And still nothing.

I had a hard day yesterday. My job is one that is filled with sadness and yesterday was particularly so...it will take a long time to get over. I find myself forever caught somewhere between counting my abundant blessings and being totally depressed about how unfair and unjust the world is. Either way, I feel like a damn fool.

So here's what helped me yesterday and today. Let it be said that yes, I am a Christian and no, I don't care what you are or what you believe or don't believe. Take it or leave it or find a way to apply it to your own life or don't. I don't want to convert you or offend you or cater to you. I just want to be me, and me needs this today. I hope it helps you in some way too. Or I hope you find whatever it is that helps you get through this life when it's not exactly sunshine and lovebeams.

blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
blessed are they who mourn,
for they shall be comforted.
blessed are the meek,
for they shall inherit the earth.
blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they shall be satisfied.
blessed are the merciful,
for they shall obtain mercy.
blessed are the pure of heart,
for they shall see God.
blessed are the peacemakers,
for they shall be called children of God.
blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

i am punxsutawney phil, resistance is futile

I'm sure everyone has heard that PETA wants to replace Punxsutawney Phil with a robot groundhog. They seem to think that it's not right to subject the animal to the "bright lights" and "huge crowds" every Groundhog Day.

Yes. That is one tortured looking groundhog. Now, I can't say that being coddled by a fat man in a top hat in front of thousands of people is my idea of a picnic, but the difference is I'm a person. I'm privileged enough to choose who coddles me and how many people are allowed to watch. And while I'm sure P squared is devastated by his inability to waddle and frolic with his wild cousin groundhogs, a robotic Phil is a bad idea for exactly three reasons:

1. Punxsutawney Phil has been living in the lap of luxury for some time now. He has a climate controlled habitat, all the food he could ever want, no predators, all for working for approximately 10 minutes a year. Were he to be suddenly released into the wild, he would, within several minutes no doubt, be eaten alive by whatever eats groundhogs (much like if Paris Hilton were to suddenly become poor).

2. Why would we take away the groundhog's only hero? Won't someone think of the baby groundhog cubs dreaming that maybe they, someday, could rise up, overcoming life's many obstacles and dangers to become the next Punxsutawney Phil? Don't robots already have enough heroes like Conky and Tony Dungy?

3. Really PETA? Don't you think there may be slightly bigger animal problems in the world like oh, I don't know, illegal dolphin hunting off the coast of Japan and the over-harvesting of many, many fish species in the oceans? How about people abusing their pets or trying to domesticate exotic animals? What about the circus? Why won't you do something to put an end to the freaking circus!?!?!

I say let Phil stay. The unfortunate reality is this groundhog has it better than most people in this country, let alone the world. Maybe someone should start a new organization, PETOP, People for the Ethical Treatment Of People. (Watch out! I have a soapbox and I know how to use it!)

I thought briefly of a forth reason being a general fear that the electronic groundhog would turn on the Top Hat Man and run amok in the streets of PA. But then I thought that would be ridiculous. Or would it.......