Friday, February 12, 2010

st. phonytine's day

This time of year there are really only two bandwagons one can jump on. a) I *heart* Valentine's Day! Buy my pretty things and candy! Nom nom nom! or b) I hate this big, dumb, made-up holiday and everything it stands for.

I'll give you three guesses as to which bandwagon on which I am a frequent flier.

And, per usual, after standing tall and proud on my status-soapbox, spewing about why I'm so cool for hating the big V day, someone writes "aren't all holidays made up?"

What is this week? Call me out on everything I say/do/believe week? Could someone please let me know in advance next time?

Hello, humble pie. Nice to see you again. You're looking quite well. Me? Oh, I'm know how it goes, you win some, you lose some. Yes, I realize I'm talking to a pie.

It's true that really, all holidays are made up. Somewhere along the line, some Joe Christian said, you know what, Jesus was born on ohhhhhhh let's say December 25th. What? That's a major Pagan holiday? Hmm, what a coincidence. Let's move on.

Now one could get into a deeply existential argument about the reality of anything. (You mean I may not actually be eating a pie? sob) But I won't do that because I don't know what the F I'd be talking about. It's not that all holidays are made up that bothers me. What bothers me is this particular holiday. Ok, if the Christians find it significant to celebrate Jesus' bday, then go ahead, assign it to a random day of the year. If environmentalists want everyone to plant a tree on Arbor Day because we're burning through trees like Elizabeth Taylor through husbands then, fine, April 27 it is. I completely understand assigning random dates to things that need to be remembered/celebrated/honored/etc. MLK Day, Presidents Day, Memorial Day, bring 'em on!

What I cannot get behind is a holiday in which you buy a bunch of fattening/wilting/ugly/useless crap to tell your other how much you looooooooooooooooooooooooooove them. Give me a fucking break. Presumably, if this person has continued to date/be married to you for this long don't you think they actually do love you, like every day? And vice versa? Don't you say "i love you" a hundred times a day to said person already? What's with all the pink-hearted crap? And if you're a bitter singleton, you don't need this phony mcphoneyson holiday anyways. You've got family and friends that love you every day too. I just don't get it. Why pick a special day to show significance to something that should have significance all the time? (And why show it in such a materialistic way?)

Ok, all that being said, I'd like to make a declaration of true love. I love you, soapbox. You keep everything so very sudsy.

Go, spread love. And eat chocolates since they're there anyways.

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